Beautiful Pain

“I don’t care what they think of me.”

You are the sum of your actions. Forget this not, for it is true. When you die and head toward whatever God you so deem worthy to believe in, it is your actions that are judged, and if you so believe there is no greater power, your actions are all that will be remembered. You’re not what you make yourself, you are – in the big picture – what people see you as. You can try as hard as you want to make people laugh, if nobody does, you’re no comedian. Take heart the words thrown or given, they have meaning, no matter how cruel or sarcastic, they are there.
You are the sum of your actions, yet your actions are a canvas for other to paint their view on. Then, in the end, number one ‘aint nothin’ but the opinion of the man.

“I like it, this beautiful pain.”

The Yin Yang. In all evil there is good, and in all good there is evil. Opposites exist to create one another, without good there is no evil, without pain there cannot be pleasure. All is equal, all is balanced in the end. If you’ve ever been truly heartbroken, you know the one. You can’t move, you can’t think. You sit and wait for something to make that hole in your chest stop falling, making itself even deeper, darker, harder to bear.
That, my friends, is one of the most amazing feelings you can come across, in order to feel such immense and terrible pain, you have to have been truly happy. Be thankful for that pain, it’s a validation of your joy. Yes, the joy has passed to cause the pain, but in order for the pain to persist there is more of the good headed you way.
Chin up my friends, you’re all hurting, I can’t say I know how you feel, I do know that one day you’ll get that karmatic kick you all need, you’ll be so happy you’ll forget I wrote this, you’ll forget this hurt ever existed.

I’m still here, I’m still waiting. I’ll push on and see through to tomorrow, all to keep that smile on your faces. I’ve had my pleasure and my pain, I’ve seen both edges of my universe, or as far as they’ve expanded. My actions, meant to help heal and uplift you, are here for you to judge.

So lower you heads and weep into the night, and remember the immortal words of the great Leopold “Butters” Stotch, “I’d rather be a crybaby pussy than some stupid faggy goth kid.”

I’ll be here come tomorrow, so please, sit and watch the sun rise with me, and forget what plagued you last night.

-Hawk of www.xenith.net

As much as I absolutely hate it when people quote stuff and put that crap in their blogs because they’re too stupid and lazy to have an original thought, this seems truly noteworthy enough to make an exception. I like this. It’s true and original. The world needs some truth and originality.

Well I’ve been reading over some old posts of mine and I’ve discovered one thing that I started a discussion that over 4500 people have looked at. Don’t know why I put that here but I rather think it’s hilarious that I raised a point in 8th grade that around 4500 people thought was interesting enough to read. I guess it does raise an important point about the internet. You are completly judged by what you write. It doesn’t matter if your black, white, or a girl or a guy no one knows. Funny how the internet, perhaps one of the least personal inventions ever conceived is where prejudice dies.

Sigh. School. The official day care center of the state. More on this tomorrow.

Yin or Yang?

So, what am I thinking about on this beautiful Friday night? Reality and perception though complete opposites mean the same when directly applied to a single person. So I guess I’ll be talking about my reality tonight; what I believe in. So my reality is this. I have this problem about people and closeness. There is not one person who knows all of my secrets or hears all my thoughts because I need space to protect the core of my soul from the scrutiny of the outside world. That’s what keeps me arrogant, as well as at peace and strong; that part of my being. As far as I know that part has remanded completely uncorrupted ever since I’ve been aware of it’s existence and importance until recently, when just a little shielding was tossed away to allow another to see some of my true light. And now that I’m exposed, that part of my soul is again a worry. It’s listening to something outside itself. And that truly bothers me because that is everything I am. And instead of having someone to enlighten it, there has been an eclipse. It’s grown darker, I’ve grown colder. Who I am, the person I loved so much is no more. Most of the time that’s good; that is the changing of myself, it shows I’ve lived and learned. But not this time. I’m angry at myself and angry at others now. I don’t have peace. Yet, after all this, I’m asking myself if I should I risk this again? The logical answer is no of course. But I’m already risking again. I’m trying again.

Other people have done wrong. Screw it, nobody is going to put all their energy into being an awesome person, myself included. So I guess the best way to deal with it is to take the same liberties as others and be the hell happy with what your faced with. I’m not saying to make the best of it. That’s BS that people tell themselves when they don’t want to try for better. If your with a hell of a bad person, leave. But maybe when faced with having some space you didn’t count on put it into finding some peace with yourself. Very zen, I know, but chances are if you’re still reading this then you have trusted someone enough to let them come closer than anything else and you’ve been hurt by it. Any you’ve closed up again. Now your going to have to figure out whether it is still worth it, and sometimes, just sometimes you need to look at yourself and say:

People are often unreasonable, self-centred: Forgive them anyway. If you are Honest, People may cheat you, but be Honest anyway. What you spend years to build, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway. The good you do today, People will often forget tomorrow. Do Good anyway. You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it never was between you and them anyway.

Sometimes people are doing more than you think, and sometimes you’re doing less. So learn and live. And make sure to keep around the people that have never made you think of this. There lies equilibrium. And peace, and maybe even a little happiness.

So yin or yang? This is a hard question because this question doesn’t have an answer, at least not in reality. But in perception, what could be more important? It’s everything. It’s the basis of your life and your philosophy. Those people that hurt you, there was a reason you let them close, it lies in the question. Remember that. Happiness is there too.

** Indented paragraph from an extremly helpful email sent by http://thoughtfortoday.org.uk/

When your head is stuck in a problem the only thing that seems to matter is solving it.

What can you do when the real person to blame, is in the end, yourself? You can change your actions pretty easily, and you can change oher people’s opinions. But what can you do about your own thoughts? I don’t know at all, so I’m afraid this is all I can write tonoght because this is all I’m thinking about.